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Out Of Control Boobs Are Keeping Female Athletes Down

Stashed in: Women, Boobs!

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"Anecdata time: I'm a runner. I'm not going to share my bra size with you internet perverts, but suffice to say: I am not flat chested. And after a longass run, the part of me that hurts the most isn't my legs, or my arms, or my glutes, or even my feet — it's my fucking boobs. Sports bras — even the expensive ones — tend to deal with The Problem by strapping my chest down so hard that it looks like I have a single, hurty, oval shaped breast in the middle of my sternum. It's like women's athleticwear manufacturers never bothered to learn how breasts move, or how to keep them in place without squishing them.

Luckily, according to Hess, a burgeoning cottage industry of tits-in-motion-studying institutes are attempting to Science our way out of the Boob Problem by analyzing how breasts move, how quickly different parts of them accelerate, and how to keep their presence from throwing female athletes off. Unfortunately, because breasts change in size and density throughout the month (Woo! Hormones!), there may not be a way for athleticwear manufacturers to create a garment that is perfectly functional all the time. There's also the problem of assessing how different sized breasts move — the bigger the rack, the more complicated and difficult-to-control the movement.

In short, scientists are befuddled by gazongas. If it's any solace, your boobs — the ones that make running for the subway a painful experience — are stronger than the strongest minds in academia. But that thought won't help you break 4 hours in a marathon."

All men are befuddled by gazongas. Not just scientists.

That might be a heteronormative statement, some of the gay men I've met have been grossed out by them :-/

They're probably not a fan of public breast feeding then.

Too bad, because I think the right to bear arms should include the right to bare breasts.

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