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The Bachelor Week 2 Rule 5: Learning to Limit Your Drunken Bathroom Freakouts | Grantland

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Here's to Rule 5:

Alcohol consumption on The Bachelor is a tricky thing to manage. How much is too much? What’s the borderline between “having fun with the sisters at the mansion” and “tottering vodkatini-crazed maniac on a hooch-powered mission of utter self-destruction”? Only one thing is for certain: The producers constantly refilling your glass are not going to help you manage that distinction. They are merely dispassionate observers of a grand experiment involving a dozen-plus women navigating a highly charged environment in various, if near-constant, states of inebriation. Indeed, they may prevent you from leaving the set if you seem in danger of physically injuring yourself, but what they will not do is head off any emotional damage you may inflict upon yourself because you ignored your competitors’ obviously strategic admonitions to put your drink down and stop embarrassing youself.

Relative moderation is not only key, it’s the only way to ensure survival. Here’s a simple self-test:

Have you locked yourself in a bathroom stall after drunkenly crashing another contestant’s alone time with no strategic purpose?

Is the cameraman shooting you from underneath the bathroom stall so as not to miss an opportunity to document your uncontrollable sobbing?

Has one of the other women on your group date crawled underneath the stall to make sure you are not trying to drown yourself in the toilet?

If the answer to one or more of the above is “Yes,” you are a Drunken Emotional Mess, and you will not receive a rose. You will receive a somber hotel-room visit (you have been placed in a hotel for your own safety) from your Bachelor, informing you that these unfortunate stall-based antics are probably not what he’s looking for in a new mother to his young daughter, but good luck on your quest for ForeverLove, wherever it takes you.

I think they only recruit Drunken Emotional Messes for the show to goose the ratings.

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