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The dance of criticism - Tammy Lenski


Stashed in: Conflict, Listen!, Feedback, Communication

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A good starting point - even with the best intentions - is to better understand the difference between feedback and criticism.  

At first I thought this was about dancing, but now I realize it's about conflict resolution.

I agree that it's good to know the difference between feedback and criticism:

In the dance of criticism, both dance partners play a role in allowing the dance to continue. One plays a part by criticizing a bit too freely, not necessarily out of bad intention (good intentions don’t cancel bad impact). The other plays a part by becoming so reactive to criticism that they hear it even when it’s not really there (I spend a chapter on this in my upcoming book, The Conflict Pivot). On they dance, each contributing to escalation and unhappiness.

There are ways to stop the dance of criticism. In ongoing relationships, like Muhammad’s relationship with his adult son, it often takes both people to break the habit they’ve gotten into together. Here are some of the things each might do:

Good listening takes not just desire, but practice.

Oh so true - on many levels....but worth it!

Have you seen the new book Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen?

I hadn't seen it.  I've read their first book, "Difficult Conversations", a couple of times now.  I just went to Amazon and bought "Thanks for the Feedback".  Thanks for the referral!

You're very welcome. I hope you like it!

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