The dance of criticism - Tammy Lenski
Chuk Campos stashed this in Peacemaking....
A good starting point - even with the best intentions - is to better understand the difference between feedback and criticism.
At first I thought this was about dancing, but now I realize it's about conflict resolution.
I agree that it's good to know the difference between feedback and criticism:
In the dance of criticism, both dance partners play a role in allowing the dance to continue. One plays a part by criticizing a bit too freely, not necessarily out of bad intention (good intentions don’t cancel bad impact). The other plays a part by becoming so reactive to criticism that they hear it even when it’s not really there (I spend a chapter on this in my upcoming book, The Conflict Pivot). On they dance, each contributing to escalation and unhappiness.
There are ways to stop the dance of criticism. In ongoing relationships, like Muhammad’s relationship with his adult son, it often takes both people to break the habit they’ve gotten into together. Here are some of the things each might do:
- Both would do well to learn the difference between feedback and criticism.
- The one who most often criticizes must resist the urge to criticize with frequency. We may criticize far more often than we’re aware, as I found out in a one-week criticizing experiment five years ago. A regular habit of criticizing causes others to disregard our important messages.
- The one who feels criticized too often can help break the cycle of his own misery byresponding differently to criticism and separating how the criticism was delivered from the message in it.
- The one who is accused of criticizing too frequently or too harshly may find it helpful to look for the equal human in front of them.
- The person who feels unduly criticized may well find some relief by learning about their own conflict hooks and how to manage them.
- Both may find it helpful to know the secret mediators know about good listening.
Good listening takes not just desire, but practice.
Oh so true - on many levels....but worth it!
I hadn't seen it. I've read their first book, "Difficult Conversations", a couple of times now. I just went to Amazon and bought "Thanks for the Feedback". Thanks for the referral!
You're very welcome. I hope you like it!