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John Gottman - Notes from his book "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child"

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EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT HUSBANDSGottman’s data on newlywed couples indicate that more husbands are being transformed into emotionally intelligent men. About 35 percent of the men Gottman has studied fall into this category. Research from previous decades suggests the number used to be much lower.Because this type of husband honors and respects his wife, he will be open to learning more about emotions from her. He will come to understand her world and those of his children and friends. He may not emote in the same way that his wife does, but he will learn how to better connect with her emotionally.As he does so, he’ll make choices that show he honors her. When he’s watching the football game and she needs to talk, he’ll turn off the TV and listen. He is choosing “us” over “me.”Gottman believes the emotionally intelligent husband is the next step in social evolution. This doesn’t mean that he is superior to other men in personality, upbringing, or moral fiber. He has simply figured out something very important about being married that the others haven’t — yet. And that is how to honor his wife and convey his respect to her.The new husband is likely to make his career less of a priority than his family life because his definition of success has been revised.Unlike husbands before him, he naturally incorporates the first three principles into his daily life. He makes a detailed map of his wife’s world. He keeps in touch with his admiration and fondness for her, and he communicates it by turning toward her in his daily actions.This benefits not only his marriage but his children as well. The husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an outstanding father. He is familiar with his children’s world and knows all about their friends and their fears. Because he is not afraid of emotions, he teaches his children to respect their own feelings — and themselves. He turns off the football game for them, too, because he wants them to remember him as having had time for them.This new type of husband and father leads a meaningful and rich life. Having a happy family base makes it possible for him to create and work effectively. Because he is so connected to his wife, she will come to him not only when she is troubled but when she is delighted. 

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