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How to Survive a Long, Slow Elevator Ride With Melisandre


The real problem is the time it takes to get to the top of this... 

Game of Thrones Precap Tyrion s Uncomfortable Journey the Missing in Action All Stars and a Hot Date With Mance Rayder

...in an elevator operated like this...

Game of Thrones Precap Tyrion s Uncomfortable Journey the Missing in Action All Stars and a Hot Date With Mance Rayder

Source is Ben Lindbergh: http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectu...

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It’s the summons no one wants to receive: Stannis needs to see you, and he’s waiting atop the Wall.

It’s not the destination you dread: Even though Bran the Builder had the same regard for safety railings as the guys who built the Death Star, you won’t get a better view of the wight-infested wilderness anywhere.

No, the real problem is the time it takes to get to the top of the Wall in an elevator operated by a guy manually turning a crank.

With a winch-driven departure, there’s no chance of pulling a Larry David and ascending in sweet solitude; unless you’re Ilyn Payne, you’re going to have to make small talk. And since you’re on your way to see Stannis, you’re probably going to be riding with the Red Woman. So how do you keep your seven minutes with Melisandre from becoming as uncomfortable as Jon Snow’s?

1. Whatever you do, don’t make eye contact.

2. Relax. As long as you aren’t related to royalty or currently tied to a stake, Melisandre probably doesn’t pose an imminent threat. When you’re Westeros’s last line of defense against wildlings and White Walkers, you have to learn to treasure the times when your worst fears are awkward silence and sexual tension.

3. Stick to neutral subjects. Admittedly, it’s not easy to avoid politics and religion when you’re talking to a priestess who also advises a king on reclaiming his semi-rightful throne. At the Wall, “Nasty weather we’re having” is always an applicable opener, but Melisandre can twist any idle observation about temperature into a request to learn more about the Lord of Light. The only gaffe worse than complaining about the forecast is ignoring the next rule:

4. Don’t discuss the kids. In normal social situations, asking a parent for an update on his or her offspring is an obvious icebreaker. Try to resist this impulse: You don’t want to see Stannis Jr.’s baby pictures.

5. Maintain perspective. Sure, Melisandre got her conversational skills from The Room and smells of “smoke and blood.” But everyone else at the Wall smells way worse, and Melisandre’s hotline to R’hllor makes her a naturally radiating heat source. Here’s a short list of people you really wouldn’t want to be stuck with on the slow ascent to the top of the Wall:

Polliver

Pyat 

Pree

Qyburn

Biter

Rorge

Ramsay 

Bolton

So remember: There are worse ice-elevator companions in Westeros. Count your blessings.

LOL at "stick to neutral subjects".

Unrelated but fun: Guy dancing to Game of Thrones song opening credits.

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