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Dr. Gottman's 3 Skills (and 1 Rule!) for Intimate Conversation


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Skill #1: Putting Your Feelings into WordsThe first skill is being able to put one’s feelings into words. This skill was called “focusing” by master clinician Eugene Gendlin. Gendlin said that when we are able to find the right images, phrases, metaphors, and words to fit our feelings, there is a kind of “resolution” one feels on one’s body, an easing of tension. In intimate conversations, focusing makes our conversations about feelings much deeper and more intimate, because the words reveal who we are.

It takes a lot of practice. No one is born knowing. 

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