'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

Children laid in their beds knowing St. Nick was near

They were bundles of joy filled with Christmas cheer

The Internet as quiet, hardly a soul searched for porn

They all went to sleep early, awaiting Christmas morn

Like a large, bearded burrito, I laid wrapped in bed

While visions of corgis danced in my head

But then on my roof, I heard a strange sound

Like a bunch of hoof-steps and then a great pound

I rose from my sleep and put on some pants

I missed one of the leg-holes and did an awkward dance

I heard a loud rustling and thought it was looters

With my bat'leth in hand I patrolled for intruders

I saw a dark figure who held a large sack

I sneaked in behind and planned my attack

I swung and I punched with all of my might

But this dastardly fiend hardly put up a fight

I jabbed with my blade, he was pinned to the wall

Then I realized he was no intruder at all

This startling discovery gave me a great pause

For I had just pummeled dear old Santa Claus

I surveyed his wounds, he was out like a light

There was no way he could finish his job on this night

I couldn't ruin Christmas for all the girls and boys

This was my fault, so I would deliver their toys.

I got to the roof and saw Santa’s sleigh

The reindeer were waiting to get underway

I hopped aboard and then grabbed the reins

I suddenly realized I had forgotten their names

Now Steve! Now Dave! Now Lenny and John!

On Pete! On Phil! On Darryl and Ron!

The sleigh did not move, and they gave me a scoff

I googled their names, I was WAY off