85th Academy Awards - I need a drinking game!

Here's what Esquire says:

Drink this if you're rooting for...

• Amour — The best red wine you can find.
• Argo — Canadian Club.
• Beasts of the Southern Wild — Smirnoff, warm.
• Django Unchained — A brain-duster.
• Les Misérables — French vermouth and cura¸ao.
• Life of Pi — Mao-tai, if you can find it.
• Lincoln — Coke (in honor of his teetotaling) or Old Crow Whiskey (his general's favorite).
• Silver Linings Playbook — Victory Prima Pils (from Philly).
• Zero Dark Thirty — A stiff dark and stormy.

Take a sip if...

• The camera cuts to someone Seth MacFarlane just insulted.
• Daniel Day-Lewis speaks.
• You find yourself admiring Ben Affleck's beard.
• You find yourself admiring Dustin Hoffman's beard.
• You find yourself admiring Joaquin Phoenix's beard.
• You find yourself admiring Jennifer Lawrence.
• Tom Cruise bares his teeth.
• Tarantino smirks.
• Kathryn Bigelow's lithe arms make an appearance (one for each arm).
• The sound and visual-effect awards go by and you fail to notice
• An actress is described as "lovely."
• They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or below the Best Supporting Actor/Actress level.
• The camera pans to Angelina Jolie looking beatific.
• The camera catches Steven Spielberg looking smarmy.
• Angelina Jolie is snuggling Brad Pitt.

Take a gulp if...

• Angelina and Brad don't show up.
• Any reference is made to Ar-Go-Fk-Yourself.
• Tom Cruise had something better to do that night.
• Jennifer Lawrence gets on stage.
• Adele totally owns "Skyfall."
• Norah Jones totally owns that Ted song.
• The "Celebration of Musicals" presentation sucks.
• Seth MacFarlane does a Stewie impression.
• If Joaquin Phoenix shows up without a beard.
• You haven't seen any of the foreign nominees.
• The words "stiff competition" are used when they pan across the nominees for Best Supporting Actor (De Niro…Jones…Arkin…).
• If the presenter can't pronounce Quvenzhané.
• If Day-Lewis shows up wearing anything remotely reminiscent of Abe Lincoln.
• If Beyonce's there.
• Someone pulls a Pesci.
• They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or above the Best Actor/Actress level.
• Someone thanks Harvey Weinstein (multiple gulps if necessary).

Down the whole bottle if...

• Michael Haneke pulls a Roberto Benigni.
• Anyone drops a statue.
• Quvenzhané Wallis wins Best Actress.
• The Master doesn't win anything, because, come on — Amy Adams!

Plus anything fun Quentin Tarantino does.

Several more Oscar 2013 drinking games:

http://www.ibtimes.com/best-oscar-night-drinking-games-2013-1101388

And if you really want to get drunk:

http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2013/02/filmdrunk-oscars-drinking-game-2013

Flavorpill is prepared for the 85th Academy Awards:

Take a drink whenever…

Your mom sends you lusty texts about Hugh Jackman.

Spike Lee gives Quentin Tarantino the hairy eyebrow.

Someone says Ben Affleck and Kathryn Bigelow were robbed of Best Director nominations, or Moonrise Kingdom deserved better.

Anne Hathaway makes an awkward joke, an overly long acceptance speech, or breathily thanks her husband.

The handsome cam pans to George Clooney for an obligatory shot.

Someone references Jodie Foster’s “coming out” speech.

Tommy Lee Jones is not amused by host Seth MacFarlane.

Finish your drink if…

Someone laughs nervously and mispronounces Beasts of the Southern Wild actress Quvenzhané Wallis’ name.

Dame Shirley Bassey and Adele bring the house down during the James Bond tribute performance.

Seth MacFarlane makes a crude joke about Jennifer Lawrence’s ass or Osama bin Laden (or both in the same joke).

Someone pledges allegiance to Philip Seymour Hoffman, Manson girls-style.

One of the six film students selected to present awards nerds out on stage.

Do a shot if…

Spike Lee pulls a Kanye during any of the Django Unchained acceptance speeches.

Anne Hathaway flashes the paparazzi again. If on purpose, take two shots.

The Academy decided it would be a swell idea to have Life of Pi tiger Richard Parker introduce any of the nominees.

Someone is actually shocked that Daniel Day-Lewis wins a third Best Actor Oscar.

Jennifer Lawrence and Jessica Chastain exchange major bitchface.

Seth MacFarlane croons “That’s Amore” to any of the Amour nominees.

Finish the bottle if…

Denzel Washington wins the Best Actor Oscar he should have won for Malcolm X.

Robert De Niro cries. Again.

Spike Lee and Quentin Tarantino engage in fisticuffs.

Kristin Chenoweth’s musical finale with MacFarlane turns into her guerilla Smash audition.

Drunk Glenn Close gives a repeat performance.