True Boob: An investigation into the chest of Jessica Alba
Adam Rifkin stashed this in @jessicaalba
Here's his mission statement:
Our mission statement: The motivation of the boobologist is to know what they look like. If we say we love boobs, we must love the boob, not the bra. A chest covered in rigid material that shapes the shirt over top is an illusion. And just as eternal life sells religion, cleavage is the trojan horse of a deceptive bustline. Don't be fooled, no matter how sweet its nectar may look. It’s always better to know the truth. Let's go and discover the true boob together.
I will include a few here for science, but to get the full impact, see the blog post.
Our author takes a scientistic approach:
Let’s talk about Jessica Alba’s boobs.
I don’t think they’re something she’s really known for -- her being 100% hot in every other direction, and them being so…*proportional*. I have a boob collection (of course), and she’s not in it. But while Jessica Alba’s boobs aren’t very interesting, her boobs being Jessica Alba's boobs is very interesting. She was the biggest sex symbol of her time, and as boobologists, it's our job to get to the bottom of this boob puzzle.
So where do we start? Well, how about the beginning:
Here they are, Jessica Alba’s boobs everyone. I found them on an Angelfire page. We can all go home now and fap. See you next time.
No wait, that’s a lie. It's a padded top.
Want more early career lies? Watch Dark Angel.
Oh boy, I watched Dark Angel. It debuted in 2000, and she came out of nowhere.
But even back then I knew they were fucking with her chest on that show. There was too much structure around her boobs. Those bras weren’t there to support...they were there to deceive. They might as well have been filled with popcorn.
Thank goodness they were not filled with popcorn.
Jessica's breast shape and size changes a lot depending on what she's wearing:
Into the Blue, Jessica's Big Bikini Feature from 2005.
Here are 2 different pictures of one of the bikinis from the movie.
See the difference?
Me too, but I don’t really mind this time. I’m not a boob dresser, so I don’t know all the tricks of the trade, but while the glamour style poster shot is clearly somewhat enhanced (perhaps digitally, with the shape or the shadow), it’s still believable, and it’s still attractive. It might not be reliable data, but you don’t get a strong impression that there’s a lot of trickery going on, at least when it comes to what the bikini itself is doing. Sure, side by side, she’s probably not as endowed as they're making her seem, but it’s a convincing illusion. Half of this is about knowing the true boob, but half of it is about enjoying the image in front of you. And if you had never seen her before, you wouldn’t be faulted for thinking she’s approaching a C. She's probably not, but at least it's plausible. Let's enjoy our momentary fantasy.
Going a couple years into the past for her big Maxim shoot in 2003.
You can see her boobs.
...are you sure those are her boobs?
They're totally her boobs, right?
Or are they material nipples stitched into a top that’s more structured than it seems. Hmm.
Jessica is infamous for never actually doing a nude scene. People are still pretty bitter about Sin City. But sometimes it’s hotter when you can see a boobs without really seeing them.
All built on the foundation of True Boob. There’s no trickery going on there...those are Jessica Alba’s boobs behind a thin layer of fabric. We shouldn't stop investigating yet, but we've just found 100% reliable information -- we don't have to interpolate or account for nearly as many outside factors such as hoisting or photoshop. It's all her this time.
And here's her naked back next to Darth Vader: http://gfycat.com/BreakableGrossGnat
Maybe let’s go back to Into the Blue in 2005. We only covered a single bikini out of a complete bikini extravaganza. Maybe another one could tell us more.
And this one is from 2003:
A bonus GIF: http://gfycat.com/IncompatibleWelltodoKookaburra
And here her boobs are accentuated. But I think you're allowed a bra or two after all that.
Now I know there’s more stuff out there. But while I don’t mind evaluating “work” that has been freely released to the public -- being hot is part of Jessica Alba’s job and she gets paid well to do it -- I won’t use any leaked photos. Wardrobe malfunctions are dubious enough, but stolen images are a big no no.
And that is pretty much all he wrote.