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Jaws 3 - the BEST Jaws EVER

Stashed in: Sharks!, 1980s, Horror

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Arguments for why Jaws 3 is the best film ever!

1. It has TWO sharks!

2. It has both post-traumatic stress syndrome Brody brothers!

3. Louis Gossett Jr. makes a segregation joke!

4. The shark crashes right into the underwater command center!

5. It's in three fucking dimensions!

6. Lea Thompson is oh so bangable!

7. Did you see the way the shark fucking exploded?!

8. All SeaWorld employees are shown to be sluts and/or drunken idiots!

9. The British documentary bloke looks exactly like Aaron Eckhart!

10. You can see Lea Thompson's tan lines!

Favorite comment:  I like Louis Gossett Jr., but I always crack up when I remember he was considered for Hannibal Lechter in Silence of the Lambs. I can't even begin to imagine how he'd deliver some of those lines with his voice.

And thus begins my Jaws 3D in 2D stash.

Yes, but when will they make a Mecha-jaws-zilla? It'll come full circle, a mechanical shark trying to look like a real shark which becomes a mechanical shark.  

Where does the -zilla come in?

The -zilla comes in thanks to living in a mashup-loving post-Sharknado world.

I went looking for Lea Thompson's tan lines but only found this Jaws 3D cast pic...

lea thompson jaws 3

...and a few Lea Thompson Jaws 3D stills with no tan lines...

lea thompson jaws 3 lea thompson jaws 3

lea thompson jaws 3

jaws 3 dont panic gif tumblr imgur

Hey, don't panic.

Those people do look panicked.

#5. The Shark Tortures Its Victims Mentally and Physically Like a Serial Murderer

First of all, the shark in Jaws 3-D doesn't just show up and eat people like your grandmother's Jaws, because that would be ridiculous. No, every death in this movie is a cold, deliberate killing of both body and spirit.

The first victim is a guy who, without question, was voted "Most Likely to Audition for Every Single Cop Show in the '80s" by his graduating class.


And this is the exact performance he delivered during each of those auditions.

The shark, apparently wielding the eternal wrath of Poseidon himself, skins our man alive, which logistically doesn't even seem possible, considering that the shark is supposed to be 35 feet long and Magnum P.I. over there is maybe 5'11". That's some precise chewing.

That is way more thought put into Jaws 3 than the writers themselves put into it.