Sign up FAST! Login

Why Your Team Sucks 2016: The San Francisco 49ers

Stashed in: Football, Chip Kelly

To save this post, select a stash from drop-down menu or type in a new one:

On Levi's Stadium:

Attending a 49ers game at Candlestick Park meant standing in raw sewage and somehow coming home with a blistering sunburn AND frostbite.


And yet absolutely everyone agrees that the new stadium is far worse—not slightly inconvenient, not marginally less fun—far fucking worse than Candlestick Park. They can’t even practice there because the turf is too dangerous to play football on and that’s like the 25th most objectionable thing about it. Levi’s stadium is so awful that season ticketholder with PSLs are straight up refusing to pay for their tickets, which means that Jed York may have to sue his own season ticketholders to get them to go to games.

This is like John Travolta spending 1.2 billion dollars to make a worse movie than Battlefield Earth. This is like giving Charles Krauthammer 1.2 billion dollars to make a worse newspaper than the Washington Times. If you gave Google, Apple and NASA 1.2 Billion dollars each, they would not be able to build a stadium worse than Candlestick Park and they specialize in building godawful eyesores in Santa Clara County. Jed York is the fucking Mozart of feckless ineptitude; Levi’s stadium is his Marriage of Figaro.

I hope Jed York loses all his money on some stupid app and then his Tesla autopilots him into a 15-foot high pile of shaved asbestos.

Also: "Santa Clara is a parking lot with a mayor."

Jed York is 36. We might be stuck with him for another fifty years:

The fans are horrifically violent. The front office is a mysterious trainwreck. Dana Stubblefield was accused of assaulting a mentally handicapped woman. And do you know what the worst part of all this is? It’s only the beginning. This swift fall from the upper echelons of the league represents the opening salvo of the Jed York Era. York, who enjoys fucking over Girl Scouts and local waiters with equal abandon, has finally realized his master plan of lording over a shitty team that will make money forever. You have DECADES of this ahead of you, people. I don’t know that you’ve really come to terms with that yet.

This is exactly what San Francisco deserves. We’re talking about a city that has become America’s answer to Dubai…a place of unimaginable and conspicuous wealth, girded by shoddily hidden poverty and despair. It’s a city flooded with equal parts money and human feces, a city so expensive that the only people who can afford to live there are idiot Google doofuses who take the shuttle to work in the South Bay and never explore their own goddamn neighborhoods. 

York, seen here auditioning for the role of Andrew Luck’s alcoholic cousin, is a perfect avatar for the city’s plight. He’s a spoiled little shitbag whose business acumen exists only in his imagination, presiding over a stadium whose technological innovations are vastly overstated, sucking money out of his hometown from a faraway compound. Everything about the Niners, especially their futility, is a gigantic Silicon Valley circle jerk.

On new coach Chip Kelly:

Chip Kelly is a perfect match for this fanbase because he has the fraudulent tech guru routine down pat. Here’s a guy who combines the gracelessness of Peter Thiel and the officiousness of Mark Zuckerberg with ideas that sound futuristic but are ultimately worthless. He was made for this job, people. You should thank God—God in this area being Jeff Fahey’s character at the end of The Lawnmower Man—that the Niners hired him, because they almost hired Mike Shanahan instead. I swear it’s true. Somehow that was the only other candidate. What is wrong with this franchise?

What’s new that sucks: 

This offseason, the franchise was determined to rid itself of all last vestiges of past success. That means that Anquan Boldin is gone, along with lineman Alex Boone and the bafflingly washed up Vernon Davis, who was traded to Denver in the middle of last season. There’s nothing left of the Harbaugh Niners. It’s all been doused and gasoline and burned. All that remains is bad turf.

Also, they drafted DeForest Buckner as a way of replacing the 26 good defenders they lost to retirement/drunk driving/wife-beating. Lotta shoes for that young man to fill.

You May Also Like: