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Monsanto Develops Hardier Strain Of Corn That Yields 4 Times Normal Litigation | The Onion

Stashed in: Intellectual Property, Awesome, That's not food., Food Industry

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Agricultural biotech giant Monsanto unveiled its latest strain of genetically modified corn Wednesday, claiming that the new, hardier seed yields 400 percent more litigation against small independent farms than the company’s previous GMO products. “We are excited to introduce our newest variety of corn, which is capable of producing up to 1,000 patent infringement cases per growing season,” said Monsanto spokesman Richard Gringell, explaining that this proprietary strain of the large cereal grain had been carefully engineered to withstand even the harshest countersuits. “Moreover, our new variety can cross-pollinate with nearby farmers’ crops three times faster, generating new targets for legal action much more efficiently than before. In fact, just one acre of our new corn is able to bankrupt as many family farmers as 10 acres of our previous formula. It’s a huge leap forward for our company.” Gringell added that the particularly robust and litigious variety of corn only requires three lawyers to prosecute, saving on average $1,500 per hour the company can then allocate toward developing new pesticides whose resulting birth defects can’t be traced.

Part of me thinks the world would be better off if someone (The government? The mob? Angry consumers?) wiped Monsanto off the planet.

It seems like one of the corporations the world would miss least if ever it were to cease to exist.

Here's my moral issue: I planted nonGMO stuff and it died. But then, when I replaced it with garden store plants, huge, success... I want to research the types of improvements that really help plants vs. the ones that make Frankenplants, like Roundup-enabled genes... 

Did you learn anything in your research?

So, it's The Onion...some of the nation's best satire. I think I'm supposed to cry, though... 

The best satire often makes you cry instead of laugh because of how truths it is.

True. I feel that way when I write a lot... Like, I can't find the line between laughing and crying. That's when I know it's good. 

That burning sensation is how you know it's working.

It's definitely working. With or without the burning sensation. :)

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