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9 Things I Learned In The Parent Encouragement Program, AKA Shitty Parents Anonymous

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Really interesting essay about parenting that makes it sound like dog training for super smart dogs.

that is about right. first dinosaur then dog then kid

You can train dinosaurs?

By the way, this is a great article.

Not well. And babies and young toddlers are just as difficult. 

Babies and young toddlers exist. Dinosaurs existED. 

Never repeat yourself.

The second you repeat yourself, you're dead. The kid will just be like, "Hey, I can just sit here and dad will say the same shit over and over again. COOL." Kids think this way because they're evil. Say it once. If the kids don't act, take them by the hand and guide them to their task. This piece of advice caused me to ask a question:

ME: What if your kid is naked on the floor and screaming her fucking head off and you literally can't take her by the hand and guide her to the sink to brush her teeth?

TEACHER: Just avert your gaze, hold out your hand, and stand there until she knows you aren't interested in her B.S.

I tried this later in the evening. Totally worked. IT'LL NEVER WORK AGAIN.

Never do for a kid what a kid can do for him or herself.

This was the big one. Sometimes, your kids will stand there for eight hours before they brush their teeth and you're just like FUCK IT, and you grab the brush and assault their mouth because it's EASIER to do things for them. But once you do that, they'll never do anything for themselves. You have to have Herculean patience to let them figure those things out, and then that problem is solved for the long term.

Never chase a kid.


Truth!  Invest in a lasso!

Practice lassoing kids?

Never ask "OK?" at the end of a request.

You have to explain what needs to be done. For example, if you say, "Hey, your shoes are still on the floor," the kid is more likely to put the shoes away than if you say, "Hey shithead, put your shoes away, OK?" I got home from this class and I was shocked at how many times I said "OK?" at the end of something. Even when I was actively trying to prevent myself from saying it, I still did anyway. It's like a goddamn tic. The best way to get kids to do something is to present them with a problem that they can help solve.

The only person you really have any control over is yourself.

That's pretty much the beginning and end of this. There's only so much you can control with your kids, and it's best to praise them when they do what you want instead of berating them for the times when they fail to act. You're never gonna get them to do everything you want at all times. They aren't programmed that way (even though they ought to be). You have to learn to tolerate some of their bullshit, and then be firm and friendly in the face of extraordinary rebellion. It isn't easy, and I'm probably gonna have to take a lot more classes just to fail less. But trying is the most important part. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go tell my kid to stop throwing baseballs at the TV set.

hot damn!  what a great article!

I know, right?

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