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What makes you "click" with someone else? - Barking up the wrong tree

Stashed in: Networking, Emotion, Relationships, Be yourself., Awesome, people, Psychology!, Friends!, Girls and Boys

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Be vulnerable. Open up.

This whole article is wonderful.

This part is my favorite:

There's a heirarchy of vulnerability in the types of communication we have, each one being more open and more likely to lead to a solid connection:

Phatic: These statements have no emotional content: "How are you?"

Factual: These share information, maybe personal information, but no strong opinions or emotions are involved: "I live in New York."

Evaluative: These statements show opinions, but they're not core beliefs: "That movie was really funny."

Gut-level: Here's where it heats up. The first three are thought-oriented. Gut-level communication is emotionally based. It's personal, says something deeper about who you are and is focused on feelings: "I'm sad that you're not here."

Peak: The most emotionally vulnerable level. Peak statements share your innermost feelings. "...feelings that are deeply revealing and carry the most risk in terms how the other person will respond." These statements are rare, even with people we are very close to: "I guess at heart I'm terrified I'm going to lose you."

The authors spell it out clearly: "We can help to create magical connections simply by elevating the language we use from the phatic to the peak level."

Do gut-level and peak regularly involve sadness and fear?

Or are there other emotions at that vulnerable level?

Does this then apply to public figures? This is really, really fascinating. Thanks for sharing, Eric!

It applies to everyone, David.

This was what was brilliant about Clinton.

He was comfortable with his vulnerabilities in public.

As was Reagan, who used humor bring us in:


Think about why your college friendships are often so precious to you--college is all about late nights leading to vulnerability and sharing. These are people who've seen you at your most emotional (and vice versa) who didn't run away screaming.

This subject has always been fascinating to me, especially recently. I wondered about it in terms of non-romantic relationships and new friendships w whom I feel connected compared to the few lifelong, priceless ones. Love this post. Thanks, Eric!

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