There are three skills and one rule of an intimate conversation. The rule is that understanding must precede advice. In fact, in our workshops we tell people that the goal of an intimate conversation is only understanding, and we tell them that they are not allowed to try any problem solving. We say this because premature problem solving tends to shut people down. Problem solving and advice should only begin when both people feel totally understood. Here are the three skills:     Skill #1: Putting Your Feelings into Words: The first skill is being able to put one’s feelings into words. This skill was called “focusing” by a master clinician named Eugene Gendlin. Gendlin said that when we are able to find the right images, phrases, metaphors, and words to fit our feelings, there is a kind of “resolution” one feels on one’s body, an easing of tension. This skill of focusing is our body’s GPS that guides us in life. In intimate conversations focusing makes our conversations about feelings much deeper and more intimate, because the words reveal who we are.