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5 Secrets to Clicking With People | TIME

Stashed in: Influence!, Relationships, @bakadesuyo, Awesome, Benjamin Franklin, Influence

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Just try. 

Put a small amount of conscious effort into trying to be a better friend, spouse, whatever. 

That’s it.

How do you win over someone who doesn’t like you?

Here’s what Robert Cialdini, author of the must-read book Influence, had to say:

1. Give Honest Compliments. It may not be easy, especially if the person has been distancing themselves from you for a while. But if you’re objective, they probably have some qualities you admire. If you take a positive action and compliment them, it may well break the ice and make them re-evaluate their perceptions of you.

2. Ask for Their Advice. Cialdini notes this strategy – which involves asking for their professional advice, book suggestions, etc. – comes from Founding Father Ben Franklin, a master of politics and relationship building.

“Now you’ve engaged the rule of commitment and consistency,” says Cialdini, in which they look at their actions (giving you advice or a book) and draw a conclusion from it (they must actually like you), a surprisingly common phenomenon in psychology.

“And suddenly,” says Cialdini, “you have the basis of an interaction, because now when you return it, you can return it with a book you think he or she might like.”

How do you keep relationships strong over time?

Remember 5 to 1.

From Richard Conniff’s interesting book, The Ape in the Corner Office: How to Make Friends, Win Fights and Work Smarter by Understanding Human Nature:

It turned out that the fifteen high-performance teams averaged 5.6 positive interactions for every negative one. The nineteen low-performance teams racked up a positive/negative ratio of just .363. That is, they had about three negative interactions for every positive one…

More on strengthening friendships here.

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