9. When your fundamental values and beliefs are different.

For any friendship or relationship to work out, there has to be certain similarity in fundamental values. Similarity in these values are the big rocks which will hold the friendship in place. Even if other things are dissimilar, the big rocks will enable the friendship to weather through even the toughest storms ahead.

On the other hand, if your core values are fundamentally different, it doesn’t matter even if everything else is the same. The journey to keep the relationship together will only become an uphill battle. It’s just like trying to hold the soil of the ground together in a heavy rain. Without the roots of the tree to hold this soil together, everything will just slip away against your best efforts.

this one is key!!

I think so. Of the 12 signs, values and beliefs really speaks to me.

5. When you keep justifying his/her actions to yourself.

Whenever we experience a situation we’re uncomfortable about, we experience cognitive dissonance. It refers to the discomfort from being faced with something that conflicts against our beliefs. When this happens, we try to come up with explanations, justifications so we can feel good about the situation.

This if we feel the need to justify an action, that means we are uncomfortable with the action itself and we want to explain away the discomfort. The danger behind this is that the explanations are self-created and may or may not be true. If you are repeatedly justifying his/her actions, the relationship becomes built on your rationalizations, rather than the reality. Likelihood is that you are living in your world of false assurances rather than the truth.

Back in 2005, I had an ambiguous relationship with a guy (the same one I mentioned in the article opening; let’s refer to him as “G”). Since he would behave in a way that was more than a friend would to a friend but yet not move the relationship forward, I would think of different reasons to justify why nothing was happening. Maybe he didn’t know what to do. Maybe he was shy. Maybe he wasn’t sure of what to do with the relationship. Maybe studies was his priority. Maybe I should take the first step.

However reality was he wasn’t taking action. Everything else was just made up in my mind to fill up the gap between this reality and my expectations. By creating all these justifications, I had unknowingly created a mental jigsaw which I had to slowly peel away in the later years.

To see reality as it is, see the actions as they are and let them speak for themselves. Actions ultimately speak louder than words.

cognitive dissonance is something i find fascinating.  we do this in so many areas of our lives, and though it can help us in the short-term, doing it over and over with the same scenario is self-sabotage.

It's what enables us to get through tough situations.

Unfortunately some tough situations we really shouldn't get through. We should get OUT.

7. When the same situation/issue recurs even though you tried addressing it.

Once might be a coincidence. Twice, you might want to give another chance. But 3 times is a clear sign something is wrong. I finally realized nothing was coming out from the relationship between G and I after our loop played out the third time. Each time, I did what I could to make it work out, but it always stopped at the same end. It was more than enough evidence that this was the end.

Do you find yourself in replay mode in your relationship? Do you keep landing in the same situation, the same scenario, the same outcome, time and again, no matter what you do? If so, perhaps you need to accept this is the furthest the relationship can get to. You can keep pressing on, but it’s a matter of time before it sinks in that there’s nothing further to go. This is the end of the road. There is a future for you and him/her, and this relationship isn’t the route to that future.

this one reminds me of the feedback loops we often talk about here on pandawhale.

how does the saying go?  crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Yes, I believe it was Einstein who said that.

boom!  that's it!

So I think the key is to change a little. And then get different results.

yeah!  science!

yesssss!  thank you!

You like that show?

breaking bad?

i've actually never even seen an episode.  but i'm considering it.  i do love bryan cranston.

i just know the "yeah science!" meme.

Oh! Great show but very tense and kind of sad. But it's a great story with a very satisfying ending. 

everyone i know who has seen it loved it.

Jesse Pinkman and Walter White should have broken up in Season 1, but then there would be no story nor any Emmies.

They did break up several times during the show but fate kept bringing them back together.